柜底的旧信封

这是我很久以前写给好友的一段话，他/她那个时候有些挣扎，希望现在好些了。 每每自己有挣扎的时候，就想到这些说给别人的话。。。顺便po出来自勉

憂鬱 低落 真的是一個很討厭，和讓人惱火的病症。 剛開始的時候，說病，又好像不是病。而周邊的人，甚至家人都會覺得是懶惰的藉口。 就好像沒有人理解，也沒有人相信一樣。 我記得我最常聽到的就是我老爸，和我外婆， 還有很多“多嘴”的家人，說一些什麽“嘿！你要是生活在50年前，沒有吃的，窮得沒有地方睡，就不會有什麽憂鬱症！” 哦！真得很叫人不知是哭還是笑。。。好想打人哦！

可是後來也麻木了，就跟自己說“就這樣吧，就這樣沒有知覺的，沒有感情的，行尸走獸一輩子吧！也許原來的 快樂，都是一場夢，現在才是現實。世界本來就不是小時候，或者是2年，3年以前想象得那麽開心的地方。” 可是每當有朋友，有身邊的親人，甚至是陌生人在的時候，還是會很努力的演戲，有時是一齣“我沒事，我很好的”爛戲，有時是一齣“我很陽光，很開朗的，很好 笑的”鬼戯。 其實心裏已經早就放棄自己了，還會默默希望會走在街上被飛機砸死，或是外星人綁架，一些奇奇怪怪的出路。實際上，心裏開始相信這個讓人很憤怒又很無奈的病 症，定義了自己的一切，也已段掉了希望，改變，欲望，渴望，甚至早上睜開眼的力氣。精疲力盡，接受了這個被扭曲的現實，“反正已經被打敗了，還掙扎什 麽”。

我聼過最好的解釋，就是一個憂鬱症患者看到的世界，就好像是正常人帶著一幅墨鏡散光在加深度近視的眼鏡看到的世界，是扭曲的，灰暗的，模糊的，再加頭痛， 眼酸。沒有憂鬱症的人，可能帶一下下，很難過，很不舒服，就自己摘下來了。而有憂鬱症的人，就好像被綁著手腳，沒有辦法摘下來，只能忍受一切，痛苦的走下 去，直到麻木，或是死掉。 但是生活和這個世界不是你我看到的，感覺到的那樣。 快樂和傷心都還是並存的，但是平衡的。 我們只是需要找到一把剪刀，剪斷綁住手腳的麻繩，就可以摘掉眼鏡，很原來一樣的生活。

找到適合自己的一把“剪刀”可能會花很多時間， [。。。] 重要的是不能放棄，找到爲止。 花個一兩年是正常的。 如果越拖就越麻煩，越痛苦，也越無力。人的精神會一點一點被消磨掉。這個病是和感冒發燒是一樣的，都要看病吃葯。 沒有什麽不同，更不需要自責，或覺得自己是不正常的瘋子。給自己一點時間一點空間恢復，不要害怕。

My Spring Mama

My Mama is flying in tonight to visit!!! yay!  i bitch and moan about my mom a lot, but then again which daughter doesn't? i miss her.  Someone was telling me that it's called "crazy-nice".  Apparently, that doesn't mean really really really nice, it means, it's nice, but drives you crazy at the same time.  I'm stubborn, think i'm always right, tend to tell people to do things my way, too smart for my own good sometimes... now imagine me times 100, you are now getting close to my Ma.

I finally kicked rob and his telescope project out of the guest bedroom last night.  The dogs were bathed for her arrival as well.  Now i need to figure out where to take her... i originally thought to take her skiing, but now it's raining...where should i go to find good snow??  now i'm thinking to take her to an indoor water park that has a steady 87 degree water, since she doesn't like getting into cold water even in the summer.  Any ideas, anyone??

On a non-related note, my spring break is half way gone already... all the work and tests coming up is looming above my head now... yuhhhh

the said and the unsaid

so what happens when the things we are suppose to "read b/w the lines" never gets read, or gets read correctly as intended?  is there a difference b/w embellishing the truth and hiding the truth?  i have, on several occasions, been accused of being too blunt.  people who embellished it in a positive way would say "straight forward", people who tried to hide it would say "honest". others who meant "less" than well would say "blunt, inconsiderate, rude" or my personal favorite, "cruel".

I suppose the truth does hurt...so why are we acting so surprised if the words we are hearing felt like a dart through the heart??  maybe our tolerance for the truth has been lowered to the point of voluntary denial.  god forbid if one of us should point out the elephant in the room! oh no! we have to talk around it, describe the elephant, and assume the rest of us would comprehend that description as an elephant, not a giraffe, or a dog, or whatever else that's not even remotely close to an elephant.  And boy, do we get mad when the truth is bluntly pointed out.  on paper, i'd say why gets mad at the truth?  it's like being mad at the air for having only 21% oxygen instead of like 90%.  it is what it is... in reality, my first reaction is always defensive, my first response is always to throw intentionally hurtful comebacks at your face.  sometimes, i hate to say it, it just feels damn good to make the other person cry like a little girl.  

My sympathy for the cry baby when arguing increases with the length of the argument as well as the cruelty of the comebacks.  I mean come on, it is definitely considered a cheap shot if you get teary eyed the moment i raise my voice.  making me look like the bad person doesn't make me less right.  it especially doesn't make me want to stop making you cry, since it's so obvious that the crying has been used as a weapon.  crying is for pussies, manipulative pussies.  and if you are so certain i am in the wrong, why the heck are you crying??  

Privacy is a modern invention

The latest house episode tonight was centered around a patient who was an avid blogger.  In the story, the blogger, Frankie, had documented almost everything in her life on the internet for all to see.  Forget about how plausible this is for a moment, though i'm sure it's doable... she commented at some point in the episode that we all would be more careful about what we say or do if we know everything was "on record".  In a way, she is what...? "policing" the people around her?? in the story, this woman had loyal followers on her blog around the globe...one of which even offered to donate his/her liver to Frankie.  I'm not sure if i believe knowing a person in the virtual reality alone actually counts as knowing.  Sure, we all had our AOL/Yahoo/whatever days, when we were 15 and had multiple "online" bf and gfs.  I remember there was definitely moments that i was certain my virtual illusion was true, that so and so was closer to my heart than the "real" people around me.  If i was really going for the thrill of danger, we'd exchange phone numbers and talk on the phone. for the record, let me just say, thank goodness i was not cut into pieces and dumped in a ditch somewhere.  The biggest problem is that we all try to present ourselves in a favorable way to others.  Trying to pick the right clothes to wear, the right things to say, the right gesture to make...when left to our own devices on the internet, with typed words alone, fabrication of ourselves must be inevitable.  If words are the only things we were held accountable, we can be anything we want to be.    

Taub said that privacy was a modern invention.  It's not the first time i have heard of it, but i can't make up my mind if i believe it.  I guess if we all live in small communities where everyone is in everyone else's business, nothing "private" can be really protected.  But after all we are still human being with thoughts and most of us can't read minds, so of course there's private things we can hide for ourselves.  Information about ourselves though, i guess, is a different story.  Where we live, what we do, how much money we have, what do we do when no one is looking... we tirelessly protect these things, we have laws and punishments, firewalls and passwords.  when it comes down to it, really, we have figured out, or have always known, information is power, information about someone can screw them over if used strategically.   We can protect all we want, but, if the intention to harm is there, it's just a matter of time when he/she screws you over.  I think privacy is just the part of us that is the most "tender", if you will.  The part that's the most vulnerable.  Privacy = the short cut to screw you over.

“过去了”

昨天晚上看奥斯卡颁奖典礼，其中有一段是纪念2009年所有过世的艺人。 你说这09年是不是有点儿邪了门儿了，老老少少的“过去了”那么多人。也只能说什么”生命很脆弱”一类的话，但又觉得有点儿太轻描淡写了。其实这里面儿有的人真的是够折腾的，另外有些也有点儿糊涂过头了,死得太可惜了。这三个是我一时印象最深的。

Natasha Richardson - 在魁北克滑雪撞了头，事发当时居然拒绝了医护检查，拍拍屁股就回酒店了！2-3小时之后开始闹头疼，这才上医院。 结果在撞击7个小时后就这么过去了！ 法医鉴定：意外事故。

David Carradine - 就更离谱了，S&M那么多年了，怎么那么不注意安全？又不是新手儿了，玩儿窒息自慰居然给玩儿完了，吊在曼谷一家酒店的储藏室里。 看来这和游泳死人是一个道理：淹死的一般都是会游泳的。 约有经验，就越过于自信，也没找个看伴儿, 这"惊险"变"危险"也定为事故了!

Brittany Murphy - 感冒转肺炎, 吃了乱七八糟一堆OTC的小药儿。没想到减肥控制体重，有严重的贫血问题。 所有的所有凑一块儿，心脏就“嘎巴儿”一下，就停了！ 法医鉴定：事故。

Fastest or Shortest?

I am a loyal GPS user. No kidding. As i came out of the neighborhood McD drive through, my index finger immediately reached for "Navigate to" then "Home". My TomTom is my legitimate boyfriend outside of my faithful happy marriage. Lori, that is the name of my "navigator" lady. She gets quite loud sometimes and even nags at me, or so it seems. Reminding me to make a left turn every 500 yards, i often feel like i am driving with my mother suction-cupped to my windshield. Rob gave me the TomTom for Valentine's day one year. I know, my husband is a major dork. Probably why i had to marry the guy, so in comparison, i'd be the smaller dork of this relationship. It was probably the best gift i have ever gotten.

It's not that i am completely directionless, though some may disagree, just never invest my attention and brain gear towards it. Rob worries that i'd turn my brain off, when "Lori" is handling the road, and me ending up in a ditch, or getting hit in the middle of an intersection with the stop sign he swore that i had run. Do I really go through life completely oblivious? After the "attack of the purple bitch" (which entirely would be a separate entry), i had a new revelation. My senses are naturally heightened. I am actually "internally" observant. My "processor" however, automatically filter out everything and anything that's unimportant.

So anyhow, my favorite thing to do is to plan a route on the "shortest" setting. My TomTom take me to places i've been before but via a completely different, refreshing route. It sounds sort of stupid. But it's the perfect combination of the thrill of the unknown, plus the peace of mind that eventually i would get to where i wanted to go. If i get to unpaved roads, that's a bonus. Rob hates it though. Again, he's worried i would drive through a bad neighborhood and get shot. I suppose that's always a possibility. Probably not any higher than the chance that when i walk out the road, a school bus would run me over. Speaking of which, back in UIUC, there were probably 3 people got killed by the school bus while i was there...

It's nice to be worried about, though. Every time rob yells, "i don't want you to die", my heart would melt. Maybe i'm just too easy.

Be my escape

I gotta get outta here, cause I'm afraid this complacency is something I can't shake, I gotta get outta here.... - relient k

I can fool myself sometimes, at times even for months. But when it comes down to it, I still hate it here- no matter how hard I try to forget or to convince myself otherwise.

How do I get out of here - and into something better? The latter is the challenge.